She often feels most guilt on Sundays during worship service. It’s she who chooses to abuse her body, she chose to close her mouth, she chose to devalue the blessings of food and to cause her own anxiety and spiral down the slope of this disorder.

Part of it is that most won’t understand. Coming from a culture where both thin and thicc is valued, but to become thinner is definitely highly valued, not just because of diet culture, but because of stigma and the legacy of obesity, cardiovascular disease, hypertension, and diabetes is the norm, not the exception. So to have grown up into a culture and a pathway that dictated that she would continue that legacy, and now to pivot into a pathway with equally disastrous consequences that are now invisible. They all see that she overcame a legacy tied to obesity, but she’s not thin enough for them to see what has positioned itself in its absence. They all believe that she broke the code, escaped the pitfall, but all she did was replace one vice with another.

So what is her sin? 

“Thou shalt have no other gods before me?” This disorder takes over her thoughts, and prohibits her from really loving herself, places a wall between herself and truly submitting to God . . . .

“Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image?” She tries so hard to beat her body into the perfect shape. So much energy and time goes into crafting each muscle, removing the excessiveness of every cell, all to achieve some resemblance of an unrealistic and unachievable image she’s crafted in her mind. . . .

“Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain?” Every prayer over her food to bless her body, and to let it nourish her is meaning less and worthless . . . .

“Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy?” The sabbath was about taking time away from the work and the grind to rest an acknowledge God’s presence and providence, but even though sickness she sets a goal of 15,000 steps and never misses a single day. . . .

“Honour thy father and thy mother?” Abusing the life your parents gave you seems like a serious disrespect . . . .

“Thou shalt not kill?” She’s definitely not trying to preserve her own life, a slow process but one that leads to death, no doubt. . . . .

“Thou shalt not commit adultery?” This one is the least of her worries. . . .

“Thou shalt not steal?” This one seems safe from the disorder. . . .

“Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor?” She’s not lying about anyone other than herself. . . .

“Thou shalt not covet?” This is definitely a broken, multiple times a day. Comparison is definitely the thief of her joy. There is always someone with a flatter stomach, small thighs, thinner waist, more pronounced collar bones, pelvic bones, breast bones, rib bones. . . .

Definitely 7 of the 10, possibly 8. . . .So who will take her confession? How can she begin to repent? Sins usually require you to stay away from them, but how do you overcome the sin of eating without overthinking, or moving your body without it serving as the sole purpose of burning off the food you ate?

Does she confess after the person who is overcoming addiction to drugs? How about after the mother who’s asking for prayer to bear with care-taking for a sick child or a sick parent? How about after the person who needs faith to get through the month because they lost their job and have to decide between shelter or food?

So she doesn’t confess, she doesn’t repent, she sits in silence guilty of so many sins, but ashamed at how insignificant they seem, and there come the their of comparison again. If she only had a sin that was worth confessing, that others would understand, and perhaps she wouldn’t feel so shameful, and perhaps she could think there is hope that faith could heal her . . . .